Do not think me gentle because I speak in praise of gentleness, or elegant because I honour the grace that keeps this world. I am a [wo]man crude as any, gross of speech, intolerant, stubborn, angry, full of fits and furies. That I may have spoken well at times, is not natural. A wonder is what it is. (Wendell Berry)

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Ants

I'm having one of those weeks where I feel like I'm watching myself from afar and I can see every single little thing that I do wrong. I feel like every one of my actions is under deep scrutinization by someone with a giant magnifying class. I feel like an ant. I feel there's a beam of white hot light following me everywhere and that I'm cringing in front of it like a kid that know's she's about to get spanked. You know how kids will sort of arch their backs, shoulders up and go "imsorryimsorryimsorryIMSORRYIMSORRY..." That's what I feel like. Except for I'm the ant and the kid with the magnifying glass at the same time. I don't know how that works, but whatever.

Other people don't see these personality flaws that I do because they're deep and usually I come across as a "good person." I hate that phrase. But anyways, I feel like the longer I'm a Christian, the more Christlike I become, but at the same time, the more I notice how deep my sinful nature actually is. It's sort of a paradox. I'm getting better but at the same time I'm seeing how much farther I have to go before being "perfect." It's like I'm walking up this mountain and as I walk up I can more accurately see how high it is. When I started I didn't think I was that far away because the mountain looked small in the distance. Now that I'm on it and walking up, I'm making progress but I realize now that I'll never get there. But I keep going. What am I, insane?

There are also these onlooker ants. And to them, I'm getting higher and higher up the hill and they see me as being so far up the hill I don't have to go any farther. They'd think I was nuts if I told them I have farther to go. They are so far away that, to them, it looks like I'm at the top already. Isn't that weird? But the hill is still so high up.

Then there's God. There's always God, and that get's complicated to throw Him in the mix. He likes that I'm still climbing up the hill and he tells me to keep climing up the hill, because He's at the top, but He's also walking with me up the hill and I couldn't walk up the hill or even be ON the hill if He didn't let me, but every time that magnifying glass starts to singe the hairs off my .. He's like, put the magnifying glass away and I'm like, I can't get up the hill without it because if I don't have it then I don't know which way's up and He's like you're already at the top of the hill and I'm like what the heck are you talking about, don't you see how much farther up there is and He's like yeah I do, it's pretty far, and I'm like but you said I'm at the top and He's like, you are and then I'm like which one is it Troy, then Troy... I mean, the pastor ant, is like "yes" and I'm like AHHHHHH.
Then my old roomate ant is like "Grace!" and I'm like "shut up! Kel.. I mean you stinky ant!" (not that the ant stinks, she smells quite nice, it's just a metaphor) and then I'm left crispy and tired on the mountain looking down and not seeing that much distance and looking up and seeing no end and looking around and seeing other ants that see the distances differently and they look to me like they're all above or below me on the mountain but the Big Ant says that we're all in the same place.

*gasping for air*

Being an ant is complicated.

Monday, April 16, 2007

The King

Today there were a bunch of shootings at Virginia Tech. I have friends that go there. They're okay, praise God, but at least thirty-three people died. Pray that Satan does not have a victory in this. Pray that more people come to know Christ today than died or have to deal with a friend or family member that died. Pray that God has the last word here.

Stuff like this makes me want Christ to come back now. Everytime I walk past a prostitute or read the headlines or hear that another one of my friends is going to Iraq I'm overwhelmed with the vision of what it could be like if Christ was King- King over everything, and everyone knew who the King was, and people bowed to the King and did what the King said; and they didn't do this because they'd be punished if they didn't, they did it because the King told them that he loved them and that he wanted to know everything about them and have a relationship with them.

Do you realize that if you are a Christian, you have a deep, intimate relationship with a King?

I don't think that we realize what Kings are like because none of us have ever lived under a king's ruling; I certainly haven't. But I do think that we'd think twice before shooting eachother, or hating eachother, or not letting eachother get on the bus or metro first or not saying hi to eachother.

Until Christ comes and is King over everything and nothing is screwed up, we as Christians have a responsibility to make Christ King over EVERY PART of our lives. Christ has named us ambassadors- we're his representatives. If we don't act like Christ and let him reign through us, no one will ever know what He is like- and it will be our fault.
Come Lord Jesus, Come soon, because we are not doing a good job. I am not doing a good job. Either come or change us more fully into you. For your glory. Amen, come Lord Jesus, come.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Passover

"Holy Sh**, slavery must've fu**ing sucked."
Tonight I went to a Sadyr at one of my Jewish friend's houses. There were a bunch of people there that I know but don't usually hang out with because let's just say their interests are far from mine. But Lee invited me to the Sadyr at his house this year because we've been friends for a while (he's in my year) and last year I told him how I sang Da-Dayenu at the Passover celebration at my church.
Tonight was a reminder for me that people are interested in God still. As I was sitting in the very smoke filled livingroom filled with people excited about Holy permission to drink wine ("thank the Lord of the Vine"), I noticed that in the same room there were Jews, a Japanese kid, a Christian (myself), people who think about God probably once a year, and a Muslim kid who I remember talking about fasting for Ramadan. In the same room. Eating bitter herbs and remarking on how slavery must have effing sucked.
People are still interested in God and I think that God values this kind of dirty honesty and broken, dysfunctional but peaceful gathering more than he values a dead group of "believers."
Pray for Wednesday for us- Jonathan and I are leading "God night" in which we'll be talking about "If God is so good, why do bad things happen to good people/children get abused/1 billion go without drinking water." We're luring students there with free pizza but I hope they'll leave actually fed.